Slow growth

I tend to think of myself as structured, type A, sense of urgency, and always slightly stressed person. I'm learning to love myself, but there are many things I truly want to work on and change about myself. For years I have been practicing different coping skills that would hopefully rewire my brain and teach me a different way of being. For example- over the last 3 years I have made a habit of literally choosing the longest line at the grocery store to teach myself to be patient. 

Keeping it real, most days I just look at myself in the mirror and throw my hands in the air. What is the point? I don't see change happening. I am just as anxious, as impatient, as easily-stressed as ever. 

Maybe you remember my blog post from September, "It will clear up soon". I talked about my inability to sit and wait without becoming exasperated. Recently as I walked at the park with friends, I found myself waiting under a bridge as it rained cats and dogs. I was smiling and laughing, present and enjoying time with those around me as we waited for the weather to do its thing. There was this one little moment when I surprised myself as I realized I was smiling, so okay, so at peace, under that stupid bridge with the inconvenient rain that refused to cease, and God reminded me that all along I have been growing more than I even realized. 

No one sees growth happening in real time. Slow and gradual growth is something that happens and goes unnoticed. It happens too steadily for us to detect. Like our finger nails or the grass, always growing under the radar but never being noticed, we, too, look up every once in a while and find that we have grown exponentially.

Make no mistake, growth in life does not happen on its own. We have to choose what we want to grow. We must do the work then wait. We get to see the fruit after long seasons of tending what we intentionally plant. I cannot grasp this concept- this curious process of growth. But I can assure you that you are growing. The question is- what seeds are you planting and what fruit are you expecting? Keep watching. Keep waiting. The gardener of our souls is constantly watering seeds. Fruit is on the way.